Since that time I've been tossing around in my head thoughts from experience and observation concerning things that parents (myself included) sometimes do to unintentionally inhibit real play.
This is what I have so far:
1. Try to keep children from ever getting dirty. So...ahem...I could be accused of going a little overboard with this one. My kids are constantly getting dirty, and lot of times I regret it. But I do think there is some real value in making room for the mess.
You only have to take a look at the multitude of "sensory bins" and play dough recipes that are all over the internet these days to realize that kids have a real need for sensory experiences. Mud and dirt are the ultimate sensory materials.
2. Go along with our culture's message to little kids that they should try to be "cool" instead of feeling free to enjoy childish play (skate boards and sunglasses, makeup and dating vs baby dolls and toy dump trucks)
3. Fill their day with too many planned activities. Some structure is good, but real play needs good long spaces to ripen. Imaginative play especially requires stretches of time- especially if it is going to be the kind of fiction to which they return again and again.
I think our culture is generally better at recognizing this need in very young children, but in my experience, older kids need it too. Their imaginative fictions get more complex; they start acting out ideas from books or eras of history. My older kids have a group of friends who play variations of "loyalists" and "patriots" whenever they get together. It's a story that has been going on for months, and if my own experience is any indication, they will likely treasure that ongoing story.
(a town I constructed out of magazine cut outs and paper. I played for hours with this town)
5. Allow too much tv time or video game time. I've noticed it as an interesting phenomenon that the more tv my kids watch, the more they seem to be grumpily anxious to watch more. A week long fast from media every once in a while (or even a few days) usually does wonders to re-set my kids.
6. Hover or praise too much. (creates self-conscious, parent-driven play)
7. Laugh at their imagination without gentleness. I have to be careful of this one if there are other adults around. Sometimes the things kids do or say are just so funny from an adult perspective, but kids are very sensitive to the difference between being laughed "with" versus "at." If you don't want a behavior to stop, be careful not to poke fun at it.
8. Give them toys that provide too much entertainment for too little work. At the push of a single button so many baby toys go absolutely crazy with flashing lights, music, voices. A child should have to work at the reward a little bit.
9. Worry too much about injury. My mother always treated risks of permanent injuries very seriously (brain damage, paralysis, etc) but if the only real danger was breaking an arm or scraping a leg then we were free to be adventurous and learn from our own mistakes.
10. Insist that furniture and toys be confined to their original uses. Not only can you come up with some super fun ways to play this way, but it may help develop lateral intelligence.
(an old couch that our parents let us have some fun with before they got rid of it)
12. Treat the eradication of their boredom as the parents' responsibility. In our family, going back several generations now, a child's "I'm bored" would elicit a stern, "Well, then I'll FIND you something to do!" and the result would be hard work! We quickly learned to keep any boredom to ourselves :-) As an adult I am almost never bored, and I think that's at least in part because I learned as a child how to occupy and entertain myself.
13. Don't expect any chores out of them. When children have to work part of the day it makes them treasure their free time more. Also work stimulates children mentally and physically.
I'd love to hear your perspective on the kinds of things that inhibit real play!
57 comments:
I like your ability to verbalize thoughts many conscientious parents probably have somewhere in the back of their minds.
This is a great list! I can see some room for improvement (for my parenting) already.
I love these -- I would add that parents should keep "open-ended" art and craft supplies. I see so many craft kits, art kits, etc. that are directed at producing a particular item. My kids love cutting, taping, etc. Right now, we have hand-drawn paper security panels on our basement door so my sons can type in their password when they're playing spies. :o) Makes me smile! And I didn't have to buy them a spy kit/costume/game!
Nancy
Nancy, I LOVE that suggestion! All those kits really steal from the sense of ownership that a child should be able to feel when they do a craft.
Hi,
I LOVE your list. I will share this with my Kindergarten parents. One thing I would add would be that some parents never allow their child to lose a game! They always let the child WIN! I am not saying that parents have to destroy the child in games, but "loss" is a life experience. It's a coping skill as well. Every year I see kids who can NOT handle loosing at simple games, they totally fall apart. Learning to deal with a certain level of defeat is a good skill to have. We can't all win at everything. Take a look at our economy and how many people are having to cope with the loss of a job, or not having the income they were used to having, loosing a home, etc. Small challenges for little children help build strong character for later life. Thanks again for the list!
I really enjoyed this post! I am guilty of more than I'd like to admit. Thanks for having such a great blog!
I agrees, Cindy. Read _Blessing of a Skinned Knee_ for more in that vein.
Thanks for your post! I have a question that may sound dumb, but what do you do with little kids all day? I have a 3 & 1 year old and we are trapped at home a lot because o naps and the weather. My 3 year old really struggles to entertain herself but I just can't do it all day long. She wants to feel in the gaps with tv and I know that is wrong... But how can I feel her day with better avtivities with me having to feel like her cruise director? She is constantly saying she is lonely and bored...
@Melissa Stringham, I am in the same position. I have a 3 and 1 year old and my 3 year old has had the same tendencies, wanting me to be her playmate all day. I flip back and forth between stressing over how to get her to play on her own and then deciding not to worry because it's a phase and I should just be thankful for this season of close personal time.
I think what I'm learning is that it's a little of both - I need to provide times for her to play alone and I also need to relax and enjoy that this is the one time in her life that she adores me and sees me as her life.
I think one positive thing we can do is to lead by example. It is not necessary for every moment of our day to be filled with a planned activity. Parents who have hobbies or create their own activity outside of electronics or "work related" chatter on the phone live by example.
great list. thanks for the reminders. xo m.
Under your category of "being cool" I'd add that parents sometimes buy shoes and pants for children (especially boys) with the intent of making them cool but they're not able to play in. Like a six year old in skater shoes that fly off when he kicks a ball or falls off while riding a bike.
I think this is a great article, I'll share it on my fb page The Way of the Peaceful Parent. I'm a big believer in giving kids lots of free play and particularly nature play.
I agree with Nancy about giving access to arts, crafts, games, painting, drawing material etc. We have open shelves in our living room giving instant access to games, jig saw puzzles, paper, markers, crayons, paper, craft books, embroidary thread, modelling clay, playing cards, and so much more.
Playing and faciliating games and activities with the kids is great. When they were still 2/3/4 yrs, I would often just set up a table with all the paints and art material, or make play dough together and put out rolling pins, shapes, or get out the face paint, which usually developed into body painting etc. At that age when you ask if they want to play with ... they often say no because the abstact concept doesn't necessarily hold the attraction, but they would rarely not light up with excitement when they see it all being colourfully laid out in front of them.
We don't do tv, so that helps, the kids are now 8 and 14, they both still spend a lot of time drawing, my daughter makes cards and books all the time and they've both always got their projects on the go. Last night we spent a couple of hours playing Cranium together and there was so much laughter!
I didn't understand the bit where skateboards were included in the list of ways that we encourage kids to be cool, I'm always amazed and impressed with what these kids achieve with their skate boards, the hours and hours of practice and commitment blows me away.
I find this subject so exciting, thank you for your article as it's full of inspiration, for me it's a nice reminder of the high value of free and creative play that myself and my husband hold for our kids, thank you :-)
Genevieve
I sometimes think that there is the temptation to read small children small books. My children have loved longer storybooks from a very young age, and they weave the stories and characters into their play. Great article. This is a topic we have been working on in our own house, and it was really great to see that there are others who are thinking along the same lines. And you added a few to our list that we will definitely be thinking about!
Thank you for putting together this list. Marie said it so well about your ability to verbalize thoughts many of us have in the back of our minds. My husband and I grew up this way and want to give our child that same opportunities -- to explore their little corner of the world, feel both the freedom and security that parental limits provide, fall down, get up without an adult overreacting, make mistakes, experience the thrill of imagination. We will make sure to avoid these pitfalls -- so glad we're in such good company with your readers!
I completely agree with you on all this points. At our house tv is off during the week. Kids go outside to play. Their favorite toys involve dirt and rocks. I keep arts and crafts materials available for my kids to work with. They are now 13, 10 and 7 and still enjoy lots of free play. Happy to have found you.
What a great list! it's so true that we need to think about if the environment we're creating for our children is conducive to real, free play - which is needed for their development! You highlighted some areas I had not thought of before.
I'm a huge supporter of real play, but I'll be honest, sometimes I redirect a certain aspect of play because of the mess that usually always follows. It usually doesn't bother but by the end of a long day, one more mess means one more thing I have to clean up. Luckily for me, my two year really enjoys helping pick up, but i would add an obsession with a 'model clean, magazine ready' home to the list, too.
Thanks for the great list!
I am so enjoying reading these comments. Such good food for thought!
Melissa, I definitely understand. Our kids are the same ages. I sure don't have this all figured out yet, but there is something I've noticed in relation to your comment that may be helpful to you too.
Sometimes I look around at my kids and their toys when they seem bored, and I think, "Yeah, what ARE they going to do? They've already played with everything in here a hundred times." But then if I get busy with something myself I'll often turn around a few minutes later and find them engrossed in a totally new and creative way of playing that I never would have thought of.
I'm really coming to believe that if kids are convinced that they are going to have to make their own fun they will eventually rise to the occasion. It may take a little longer depending on how much they have come to expect to be entertained, but I really don't feel that you have to feel sorry for them (or guilty) if they don't seem to have anything to do.
I really agree with the anonymous comment about the importance of keeping busy with interesting and stimulating projects oneself. I love our vegetable garden for that reason. I work hard on it almost every day, and while I work the girls play outside nearby. They don't look to me to suggest kinds of play because they see I'm busy. Also, it's cute to see how many times I will see them playing "garden" or imitating some other of my household chores or crafts.
Thanks for writing on real play! It brings back great memories of my own childhood & inspires me in my own parenting. Great comments here, too!
I love this post. Full of common sense and a passion for keeping childhood simple and full of wonder. I particularly think point 7 is the most important. Love it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You and I have much in common. If you have a minute take a look at my blog: www.caroandco.com.au Best wishes, Caro x
I haven't had a chance to read all of the other comments, so I hope this isn't repetitive:
I have found that reading great, classic stories not only is enjoyable, bonding, and great for language, but it has sparked my little girl's imagination. Her Beatrix Potter friends have inspired her to invent and play all kinds of outdoor and indoor games and activities.
Love this post. As a mother of 5 I completely agree - I frequently say the old "I find something for you to do".
Lots of great ideas! For the moms who are struggling with younger kids ideas...I used to work at a daycare in the toddler room...also with 2-3 year olds and one of the things that we did that kept the kids entertained for a while on their own was making a "surprise box." We would take a shoebox and fill it with lots of odds and ends that were safe to play with such as small kitchen tools, blocks, play jewelry, etc. The kids would really get into it and create some really great little games or ideas on their own.
Lots of great ideas! For the moms who are struggling with younger kids ideas...I used to work at a daycare in the toddler room...also with 2-3 year olds and one of the things that we did that kept the kids entertained for a while on their own was making a "surprise box." We would take a shoebox and fill it with lots of odds and ends that were safe to play with such as small kitchen tools, blocks, play jewelry, etc. The kids would really get into it and create some really great little games or ideas on their own.
I love this post. Full of common sense and a passion for keeping childhood simple and full of wonder. I particularly think point 7 is the most important. Love it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You and I have much in common. If you have a minute take a look at my blog: www.caroandco.com.au Best wishes, Caro x
Great list indeed, I love it! Except I don't like to create limits outside. I'm a strong believer in "finding your own limits" even if it means a scraped knee or a muddy outfit for the rest of the hike. Have you read Richard Louv's The Nature Principle? You'll find much inspiration in this book. I also recommend Raising Able by Susan Tordella (http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Abel-Recovery-Eschatological-Imagination/dp/082451565X). Great read on how to empower kids by teaching them chores and homework well done.
I'm a huge supporter of real play, but I'll be honest, sometimes I redirect a certain aspect of play because of the mess that usually always follows. It usually doesn't bother but by the end of a long day, one more mess means one more thing I have to clean up. Luckily for me, my two year really enjoys helping pick up, but i would add an obsession with a 'model clean, magazine ready' home to the list, too.
Thanks for the great list!
I completely agree with you on all this points. At our house tv is off during the week. Kids go outside to play. Their favorite toys involve dirt and rocks. I keep arts and crafts materials available for my kids to work with. They are now 13, 10 and 7 and still enjoy lots of free play. Happy to have found you.
I sometimes think that there is the temptation to read small children small books. My children have loved longer storybooks from a very young age, and they weave the stories and characters into their play. Great article. This is a topic we have been working on in our own house, and it was really great to see that there are others who are thinking along the same lines. And you added a few to our list that we will definitely be thinking about!
I think this is a great article, I'll share it on my fb page The Way of the Peaceful Parent. I'm a big believer in giving kids lots of free play and particularly nature play.
I agree with Nancy about giving access to arts, crafts, games, painting, drawing material etc. We have open shelves in our living room giving instant access to games, jig saw puzzles, paper, markers, crayons, paper, craft books, embroidary thread, modelling clay, playing cards, and so much more.
Playing and faciliating games and activities with the kids is great. When they were still 2/3/4 yrs, I would often just set up a table with all the paints and art material, or make play dough together and put out rolling pins, shapes, or get out the face paint, which usually developed into body painting etc. At that age when you ask if they want to play with ... they often say no because the abstact concept doesn't necessarily hold the attraction, but they would rarely not light up with excitement when they see it all being colourfully laid out in front of them.
We don't do tv, so that helps, the kids are now 8 and 14, they both still spend a lot of time drawing, my daughter makes cards and books all the time and they've both always got their projects on the go. Last night we spent a couple of hours playing Cranium together and there was so much laughter!
I didn't understand the bit where skateboards were included in the list of ways that we encourage kids to be cool, I'm always amazed and impressed with what these kids achieve with their skate boards, the hours and hours of practice and commitment blows me away.
I find this subject so exciting, thank you for your article as it's full of inspiration, for me it's a nice reminder of the high value of free and creative play that myself and my husband hold for our kids, thank you :-)
Genevieve
@Melissa Stringham, I am in the same position. I have a 3 and 1 year old and my 3 year old has had the same tendencies, wanting me to be her playmate all day. I flip back and forth between stressing over how to get her to play on her own and then deciding not to worry because it's a phase and I should just be thankful for this season of close personal time.
I think what I'm learning is that it's a little of both - I need to provide times for her to play alone and I also need to relax and enjoy that this is the one time in her life that she adores me and sees me as her life.
I agrees, Cindy. Read _Blessing of a Skinned Knee_ for more in that vein.
Nancy, I LOVE that suggestion! All those kits really steal from the sense of ownership that a child should be able to feel when they do a craft.
I love these -- I would add that parents should keep "open-ended" art and craft supplies. I see so many craft kits, art kits, etc. that are directed at producing a particular item. My kids love cutting, taping, etc. Right now, we have hand-drawn paper security panels on our basement door so my sons can type in their password when they're playing spies. :o) Makes me smile! And I didn't have to buy them a spy kit/costume/game!
Nancy
What a fantastic list.
a friend once told me about her son eating her homemade oatmeal cookies, (she is a self described horrible cook), the cookies were very dry and flaky and the oats were falling off the cookies, her then 5 year old son was laughing and calling her to "look at the puppies! momma, the puppies are flying off my cookie!" She quickly said, "those aren't puppies", but caught herself and then responded, "well, maybe they are." I have kept this with me for years, (her child is in college now.) and when my kids say imaginative things, I don't ever try to induce immediate reality, I try to remember that perhaps they are puppies...
As I read the list I tested myself and other than number 10 I do well. I like the living room chairs and couch to stay that way, although you don't have to always sit on them right! I used to read upside down and so do they.
Have you read Simplicity Parenting?? I think you'd love it. Exactly what you mentioned above. One of the best books I've read on parenting!
Excellent list!! This is totally how I was raised and how I hope to raise my littles.
no...I hadn't heard of Simplicity Parenting before now. I just looked up
the website though, and it does look great. Thanks for the tip!
Also, stopping kids from making a mess! Messes are great if they are willing to clean up afterward. :)
THANK YOU!! Finally a "modern Parent" who understands! I see a shimmering glimmer of hope in the wilderness of over-protected, overdone, over-stimulated, no responsibility, bratty, entitled whiny kids today with their equally ridiculous parents!! THANK YOU! Blessings, and I'm sharing this.
A Grandma who sounds way too much like HER grandma....
How about using the furniture and blankets to make forts? I loved that when I was a kid.
I think what she means by limits outdoors is maybe, stay in the yard or you can go as far as Johnny's house on this side of street kind of thing. I"m guessing that was her idea. I remember having yard limits or street limits, depended on my age.
My grandmother would read me one chapter of CHARLOTTE'S WEB. She started when I was four or five. It was a bedtime thing. One chapter only then bedtime.
Love it Katey thanks for sharing
Hi Katey! I just discovered you from the FIAR FB page. I love your blog! This is what I am also trying to write about in my own blog - simple, real play!
I love this!!! absolutely every part of it!! :-) so glad I found your blog!! :-)
I have over 20 years working with youth and families ministry (and about 10 on top of that working with kids)....These are things I try to pass on to parents everyday. One thing I would add to that is requiring the child specialize (play one sport or other activity to the extreme). So many parents are pushing kids to become "experts" or specialist at younger and younger ages. Kids need time to play and explore a wide variety of sports. As a former high level athlete and a parent of high level (Varsity in college) athlete, I am, more and more convinced that serious competition should not happen until 7th or 8th grade and beyond.
Love this! I agree so much. Thank you for putting it to words.
As a preschool teacher I applaud your points. I see so many children who cannot use their imaginations . So sad. We only want the best for our children but in doing so we sometimes limit their growth. I recently heard (again) that risk taking in play directly corresponds with fuent reading as you have to be willing to take risks to read.
great post, I arrived via Pinterest, I wrote something similar on my blog this week about the 'being bored' issue, we think on the same lines. Glad to have found your blog.
I love this list and totally agree. Do you have any suggestions on how to have your child play by him/her self? My 3 year old only plays if I am there, which is great unless I have something to get done i.e laundry, cleaning. cooking...
What a wonderful blog! I couldn't agree more.
I was sure that "try to take too many pictures" would be on this list :)
if this list is TRUE then I am doing a fantastic job... :) but as we all know this is only the tip of the iceberg for parenting rules. It was good to feel for once that I am doing the right thing. I am a wraparound and I really feel that a lot of parents just need to let kids be kids and a lot of the perceived problems would melt away. My daughter is totally manageable when I let her be a child. When the expectation is for her to be a tiny 3 y/o adult we both come away unhappy.
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